Thursday, May 26, 2011

What They Don't Tell You....

I flashed on this last night.

We were sitting in Brad's hospital room, warm late July sun streaming in the window. We'd been there forever, it seemed. The doctor sat across from me as I stared numbly into the distance. Brad was there, or not. It's hard to say exactly. I remember avoiding his eyes, which were rolled back into his head....

"We're not supposed to tell you this, but it will go faster if we stop dialysis...." he started.
"Then stop dialysis. I can't take anymore, " I replied.
"I think it's also time to remove the life support....." he tried to begin again.
"I've been telling you this for nearly a week, " I interrupted. "This is a fucking nightmare."

So we did. Eventually, once we got through the red tape involved. We stood round him and prayed. They had prepared us that removing the tubes would be "traumatic" and that maybe I shouldn't be present. It really wasn't. He finally looked peaceful, like he was sleeping. But the brain stem was ironically working at some very primal level, and his heart kept beating another 3 days.

It was 3 am when I got the call. The children were asleep on the couch. Of course I knew. Who calls at 3 am? She asked if I wanted to come see him. My babies were sleeping. I had no one to watch them. I told her this, but really I was relieved. I didn't want my last memory of my husband to be of a body. Then she informed me that I needed to get the funeral home to come take him. This was beyond what I could handle,  they couldn't wait till morning.....crawling on the freezing tile floor,  crying until the sun began to rise and I passed out. It was over, but really it was just beginning. There was no one left to visit. We had the funeral and eventually they all went home, and it was just me and the kids. Huge flower arrangements died. I was picking up dead flowers for weeks. Meals stopped coming. My kid started screaming and hitting me.  After they fell asleep each night I sat in the backyard and screamed at God.

Someone said I must be relieved, right after he died.  I wasn't offended. I honestly thought it would be a relief when he finally went.

It wasn't. Because no one tells you what you are supposed to do when they all go home.....when all of the details that take up space in your mind are finished, when people go on living and on some level expect that you will too.....

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